Growing Up

I had a surprising revelation when I went home this year.

Coming into the holiday season I was filled with excitement one can only get as a child. Hell I watch Elf about 5 times and starting screaming SANTA'S COMING on my trading floor.

I had hope for a white christmas, caroling with my family and being silly with friends. It was the kind of feeling of joy and childish giddiness.  I felt fortunate this year

Through all the triumphs, failures, and especially heartaches I felt much more aware of how lucky I was.   I am doing well at work, got a nice condo and even though a piece of my heart was still missing it didnt hurt as much.

I went back to NY to a slew of friends family and events.

Having said that  I noticed a distinct change in the atmosphere of everyone.    The holiday season wasn't joyous for everyone and everyone lives have changes so much in the past years that the closeness of all my friends have somewhat slipped.

And then I realized no matter how hard we try we cant recapture the exuberance we had as a child. We're all grow ups now and have lives to live. we have began to set our biases and lost close connections with one another. Even my own family traditions have began to slip and I realized even my cousins are getting older.

As much as we hope that christmas is a time to renew good will to all and believe that there are still joy to be found in the little things, sometimes life does get in the way.

and while I will carry the torch of eternal optimism and hope for good will to all, I must also realize I have grown up and somethings are what they are.

We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves

I sit on my bed staring at darkness, trying to determine why I cant let it go.

everyone is telling me I must and on paper it is great advice.

but yet I hang on to hope even though there is none.    Am I really in love or just the idea of love.

Ive reach out to be the better person to help in her time of need. Yet no response.

at the end of the night    despite all my success, achievements and everything I have,    all I can think about is her smile, her scent and the conversations we had.         why must love be so forbidding.     to yearn for someone who is not there.    to be unable to see the person in the light   


to be                             unloved.   

Heartbroken

I found out something painful today


i feel a bottomless pit of hurt and sadness of which I struggle to to climb out of.

I never really knew heartbreak until now and although many of my friend try to lift my spirit, they are unable to do so for the first time.

So I am left wondering how to go on and heal.

Can I even heal?

I hope this serves as record of love lost and heartbreak. to put pen to paper of all that I loved and all that I've lost

In time pain will lessen and hurt will stop but until then I can only put this part of my heart in a box
closing behind the good times, the smell and touch of that person


At the end of the day I deserve better  I hope my heart will listen to my head

Seriously

I need a swift kick to the head

Although everything is going in the right direction I feel that my heart is stuck in neutral.



WHY?

Is it really love or am I just a retar    that's right RETAR

No win

How is it that I find myself in this situation? is it possible that I am just fooling myself or is there real substance behind the pain.

as I watch this week the market turmoil I too have felt the ups and downs quite sharply. and like the market I cant find rhyme or reason to the swing.

I need sleep

Duck

On the surface all is calm. It sits on the pond drifting in serene waters. It instills a sense of peace. Underneath web feet frantically peddle to keep the creature afloat. Yet no disturbance of the water is visible. How can such contradiction occur? Where raging movement can sustain tranquillity.

I have felt like this for almost a week now. Where torrents of thoughts comes and goes, frantically keeping my surface still. I have yet to reconcile this paradox must less find the answers to my thoughts. For now the web feet must work to keep the body calm in a serene pond.

Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things - with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope.

For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice - no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service.

The grind

How come I can't get pass. There is a nagging hole that somehow keeps rearing it's ugly head. I've try to keep busy but I keep having vivid dreams that wakes me. As much I can tell myself I need to let go and move on my subconscious will not let me. And now fate is no longer in my hands.

I shouldnt be feeling this way. My carrer is going sky high, I'm in the process to buy a place and I have friends who cares for me.

I know that I have been way too nice a guy but I cant seem to be switch that part off.  Am I over romantacizing thing? Have I develope a martyr complex? Or do I turly still feel the same desire? ''

I wish I had an anwer

Forgiveness

How many of us are capable of forgiveness? To look those we perceive has done us wrong and truly let go of resentment without righteous indignation. Does the process include bringing those who has hurt you into your arms and embraced them as you would a friend? as a lover?

It is always easy to cut ties when relation strain and tempers flare. The scar on our mind and hearts serves as a constant reminder of pain and hurt. As time passes, scars collected jade our mind and dilute our ability to open and share. We shield ourself in hope we never experience that pain again and slowly we become incapable to try, to do and to love. But I must forgive for I will always try, constantly do and be open to love. 

Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself

Got nothing

Planning a trip to Japan has got me excited about traveling again. Time to head over to the land of the rising sun. Assuming radiation levels are self I will indulge in MOUNTAINS of sushi, yakatori, sake and BEER.

MMMMMM BEEEEERRRRRR

The highs and the lows

So a lot of my friends have been forming a line to smack the bejesus out of me and you know what I cant blame em. I've turn into mush, puddle, goo, the creamy center of a jelly doughnut. And as much as tough love hurts, it hurts less than my self imposed stupidity. Everyone is right, WHAT IN JEBUS NAME WAS I THINKING? I AM AWESOMER THAN THIS. Is that a word? Awesomer? you know what I am AWESOME cause I just invented AWESOMER.

My friends are right. I do more and think of others before I think of myself and they would NEVER take advantage of that. Some transgression cant be undone no matter how much we want it to. We cant wish to undo something, it takes real action. And although sadness will creep into my conscientiousness like waves crashing on a beach. I will build a levee through trial and tribulations until truer intentions sails into the harbor cause I am AWESOMER.

BTW Hows the use of metaphors ???    OH AND I COPYRIGHT AWESOMER SO YOU CAN FORGET IT

First Entry

Captain's Log Stardate 0918387.17

Sorry The nerd in me got in the way.

I guess the most obvious question is why now. After years of avoiding the blogger-space why the need now to suddenly joining the rankin file of the online writer and feel the need to create internet prose. Part of this need was inspired by my friend Steve who's words while at time can be harsh and has tendency of over-romanticize, ring true to the peaks and valleys of our day to day.

I think fundamentally it is because of change. Change the swept through in the past year and half carrying me through the river of life. I went from being an unemployed MBA grad in NYC who's career came to an abrupt halt to making VP in a strange yet delightful town known as SF (YES YOU SF PEOPLE, THIS IS A TOWN). I've left my family and friends to and yet some how found new friends and family. And off course part of this is because of heartbreak. Lets face it 90 of writing in human history is related to this subject.

But this isnt about that. I felt that I never really had a proper chance to reflect since coming to SF. A) cause I work 12 fucking hours a day and b) I've felt at home for the first time in a while.

SO let's be clear about few things.
This isnt about ohh poor me blah blah blah. I fucking should have no complaints. Jobs good, healthy and friends around the globe.
This is and should be a chronicle of highs and lows and to put pen to paper daily life. And while being down in the valley be the catalyst of my writing. It will inevitable leads to more writing as i search for the next peak.

P.S. Sorry for the cursing, swearing and Star Wars, Star Trek and Nerd references.

P.P.S. This is all your fault Steve Chang