Learning

I lost my Grandmom recently.    On a moments notice I flew back to NY    went without sleep for 2 days to be at her bed side to say my good byes.

On Valentines days this year I lost someone dear to me. Someone who raise 3 generations of my entire family and was there for my entire life. On a day about love I learn what it really meant. I learned more about who I am and about my own past. Nothing is more painful to see someone go. Yet while I mourned I wasn't sad. She saw all her kids and grand kids grow up and many of the grand kids are full grown adults going on to have great lives. Hell we even have a future doctor in our mitts.

AS I sit in the late hour (ok it's only 9pm but I get up pretty fucking early) I reflect on the good, the bad, the sumblime and the heart breaking moments.   Those you love will never leave your heart and while they may not be there with you, you were better to off to have them in your life. Life, no matter how painful is a leason well worth learning.   

Sigh

Today is someone's b day party. Although I was indirectly invited to the same event I decided not to go.

I had an conversation with a mutual friend and uncharacteristicy I felt a lot of Anger

Every time I think I made progress something else creeps back in. This time in just pure anger.

I dont want up hating her and yet I cant forgive her. For all the bullshit, immaturity and flat out lies.

Now my friend said I shouldnt be angry and maybe he's right. She didnt steal from me or hurt me physically

but on a emotional level I just feel SO HURT       I know I'm too serious at times but I just feel every time I take 2 steps forward I take a step back

someone once said   I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

I wish I can see it was

the New year

Uncharacteristically I read my horoscope today

http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/aquarius/yearly-love/

That's a bit creepy as it hits a bit close to home.

Maybe I can finally let go and view the world as I once did. with boundless optimism and with a sort of hopeless love that has been missing.

If I learn anything is that nothing is more painful than unrequited love. But I vow not to let that take away from that big heart I give to the world.

Growing Up

I had a surprising revelation when I went home this year.

Coming into the holiday season I was filled with excitement one can only get as a child. Hell I watch Elf about 5 times and starting screaming SANTA'S COMING on my trading floor.

I had hope for a white christmas, caroling with my family and being silly with friends. It was the kind of feeling of joy and childish giddiness.  I felt fortunate this year

Through all the triumphs, failures, and especially heartaches I felt much more aware of how lucky I was.   I am doing well at work, got a nice condo and even though a piece of my heart was still missing it didnt hurt as much.

I went back to NY to a slew of friends family and events.

Having said that  I noticed a distinct change in the atmosphere of everyone.    The holiday season wasn't joyous for everyone and everyone lives have changes so much in the past years that the closeness of all my friends have somewhat slipped.

And then I realized no matter how hard we try we cant recapture the exuberance we had as a child. We're all grow ups now and have lives to live. we have began to set our biases and lost close connections with one another. Even my own family traditions have began to slip and I realized even my cousins are getting older.

As much as we hope that christmas is a time to renew good will to all and believe that there are still joy to be found in the little things, sometimes life does get in the way.

and while I will carry the torch of eternal optimism and hope for good will to all, I must also realize I have grown up and somethings are what they are.

We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves

I sit on my bed staring at darkness, trying to determine why I cant let it go.

everyone is telling me I must and on paper it is great advice.

but yet I hang on to hope even though there is none.    Am I really in love or just the idea of love.

Ive reach out to be the better person to help in her time of need. Yet no response.

at the end of the night    despite all my success, achievements and everything I have,    all I can think about is her smile, her scent and the conversations we had.         why must love be so forbidding.     to yearn for someone who is not there.    to be unable to see the person in the light   


to be                             unloved.   

Heartbroken

I found out something painful today


i feel a bottomless pit of hurt and sadness of which I struggle to to climb out of.

I never really knew heartbreak until now and although many of my friend try to lift my spirit, they are unable to do so for the first time.

So I am left wondering how to go on and heal.

Can I even heal?

I hope this serves as record of love lost and heartbreak. to put pen to paper of all that I loved and all that I've lost

In time pain will lessen and hurt will stop but until then I can only put this part of my heart in a box
closing behind the good times, the smell and touch of that person


At the end of the day I deserve better  I hope my heart will listen to my head

Seriously

I need a swift kick to the head

Although everything is going in the right direction I feel that my heart is stuck in neutral.



WHY?

Is it really love or am I just a retar    that's right RETAR