Uncharacteristically I read my horoscope today
http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/aquarius/yearly-love/
That's a bit creepy as it hits a bit close to home.
Maybe I can finally let go and view the world as I once did. with boundless optimism and with a sort of hopeless love that has been missing.
If I learn anything is that nothing is more painful than unrequited love. But I vow not to let that take away from that big heart I give to the world.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Growing Up
I had a surprising revelation when I went home this year.
Coming into the holiday season I was filled with excitement one can only get as a child. Hell I watch Elf about 5 times and starting screaming SANTA'S COMING on my trading floor.
I had hope for a white christmas, caroling with my family and being silly with friends. It was the kind of feeling of joy and childish giddiness. I felt fortunate this year
Through all the triumphs, failures, and especially heartaches I felt much more aware of how lucky I was. I am doing well at work, got a nice condo and even though a piece of my heart was still missing it didnt hurt as much.
I went back to NY to a slew of friends family and events.
Having said that I noticed a distinct change in the atmosphere of everyone. The holiday season wasn't joyous for everyone and everyone lives have changes so much in the past years that the closeness of all my friends have somewhat slipped.
And then I realized no matter how hard we try we cant recapture the exuberance we had as a child. We're all grow ups now and have lives to live. we have began to set our biases and lost close connections with one another. Even my own family traditions have began to slip and I realized even my cousins are getting older.
As much as we hope that christmas is a time to renew good will to all and believe that there are still joy to be found in the little things, sometimes life does get in the way.
and while I will carry the torch of eternal optimism and hope for good will to all, I must also realize I have grown up and somethings are what they are.
We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves
Coming into the holiday season I was filled with excitement one can only get as a child. Hell I watch Elf about 5 times and starting screaming SANTA'S COMING on my trading floor.
I had hope for a white christmas, caroling with my family and being silly with friends. It was the kind of feeling of joy and childish giddiness. I felt fortunate this year
Through all the triumphs, failures, and especially heartaches I felt much more aware of how lucky I was. I am doing well at work, got a nice condo and even though a piece of my heart was still missing it didnt hurt as much.
I went back to NY to a slew of friends family and events.
Having said that I noticed a distinct change in the atmosphere of everyone. The holiday season wasn't joyous for everyone and everyone lives have changes so much in the past years that the closeness of all my friends have somewhat slipped.
And then I realized no matter how hard we try we cant recapture the exuberance we had as a child. We're all grow ups now and have lives to live. we have began to set our biases and lost close connections with one another. Even my own family traditions have began to slip and I realized even my cousins are getting older.
As much as we hope that christmas is a time to renew good will to all and believe that there are still joy to be found in the little things, sometimes life does get in the way.
and while I will carry the torch of eternal optimism and hope for good will to all, I must also realize I have grown up and somethings are what they are.
We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves
Sunday, November 13, 2011
I sit on my bed staring at darkness, trying to determine why I cant let it go.
everyone is telling me I must and on paper it is great advice.
but yet I hang on to hope even though there is none. Am I really in love or just the idea of love.
Ive reach out to be the better person to help in her time of need. Yet no response.
at the end of the night despite all my success, achievements and everything I have, all I can think about is her smile, her scent and the conversations we had. why must love be so forbidding. to yearn for someone who is not there. to be unable to see the person in the light
to be unloved.
everyone is telling me I must and on paper it is great advice.
but yet I hang on to hope even though there is none. Am I really in love or just the idea of love.
Ive reach out to be the better person to help in her time of need. Yet no response.
at the end of the night despite all my success, achievements and everything I have, all I can think about is her smile, her scent and the conversations we had. why must love be so forbidding. to yearn for someone who is not there. to be unable to see the person in the light
to be unloved.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Heartbroken
I found out something painful today
i feel a bottomless pit of hurt and sadness of which I struggle to to climb out of.
I never really knew heartbreak until now and although many of my friend try to lift my spirit, they are unable to do so for the first time.
So I am left wondering how to go on and heal.
Can I even heal?
I hope this serves as record of love lost and heartbreak. to put pen to paper of all that I loved and all that I've lost
In time pain will lessen and hurt will stop but until then I can only put this part of my heart in a box
closing behind the good times, the smell and touch of that person
At the end of the day I deserve better I hope my heart will listen to my head
i feel a bottomless pit of hurt and sadness of which I struggle to to climb out of.
I never really knew heartbreak until now and although many of my friend try to lift my spirit, they are unable to do so for the first time.
So I am left wondering how to go on and heal.
Can I even heal?
I hope this serves as record of love lost and heartbreak. to put pen to paper of all that I loved and all that I've lost
In time pain will lessen and hurt will stop but until then I can only put this part of my heart in a box
closing behind the good times, the smell and touch of that person
At the end of the day I deserve better I hope my heart will listen to my head
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Seriously
I need a swift kick to the head
Although everything is going in the right direction I feel that my heart is stuck in neutral.
WHY?
Is it really love or am I just a retar that's right RETAR
Although everything is going in the right direction I feel that my heart is stuck in neutral.
WHY?
Is it really love or am I just a retar that's right RETAR
Saturday, August 13, 2011
No win
How is it that I find myself in this situation? is it possible that I am just fooling myself or is there real substance behind the pain.
as I watch this week the market turmoil I too have felt the ups and downs quite sharply. and like the market I cant find rhyme or reason to the swing.
I need sleep
as I watch this week the market turmoil I too have felt the ups and downs quite sharply. and like the market I cant find rhyme or reason to the swing.
I need sleep
Monday, August 1, 2011
Duck
On the surface all is calm. It sits on the pond drifting in serene waters. It instills a sense of peace. Underneath web feet frantically peddle to keep the creature afloat. Yet no disturbance of the water is visible. How can such contradiction occur? Where raging movement can sustain tranquillity.
I have felt like this for almost a week now. Where torrents of thoughts comes and goes, frantically keeping my surface still. I have yet to reconcile this paradox must less find the answers to my thoughts. For now the web feet must work to keep the body calm in a serene pond.
I have felt like this for almost a week now. Where torrents of thoughts comes and goes, frantically keeping my surface still. I have yet to reconcile this paradox must less find the answers to my thoughts. For now the web feet must work to keep the body calm in a serene pond.
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